It's like just randomly, for no apparent reason, part of me decides that I'm basically worthless and nobody wants me around, and I start counting up all my faults like I'm trying to win some contest.

It's stupid, and I hate it. (And the fact that I'm sitting there hating this feeling, WHILE I'm feeling like I can't do anything right anyway, doesn't exactly help the situation.) I don't know what my problem is. There's nothing wrong with me, and it's not like I perpetually can't stand myself. Maybe it's really just normal. Blech.

So anyway, last night's entry was the culmination of a particularly potent low self-esteem day, and the point at which my wonderful roommate spent an hour delineating all my assets and good traits while I cried. I do SO much love that girl. Nobody deserves to have to put up with all my crap, twenty-four hours a day, and then still have to come up with positive, soothing things to say when I feel icky.

But . . . yeah. It's now today, not last night anymore. So I'm better. :)

My grandpa called me yesterday. I've decided that, as much as I've disliked him in the past, I need to start liking him. Because, frankly, he just cracks me up on the phone. Not that he's trying to or anything. He's just so comPLETEly intent on saying what he has to say (which is almost always some boring nostalgic remembrance connected with something I've mentioned) that he constantly cuts me off and talks over me. Probably doesn't help that he's somewhat hard of hearing, and might not always know when I'm talking anyway. Personally, though, I think he knew EXACTLY when I was talking. He just thought he was more interesting. :)

But hey, it was amusing. And I need to get over this spitefulness I feel toward him. We just don't agree on . . . well, pretty much everything. He's too uneducated and set in his ways and fundamentalist bullheaded Christian for me to fully appreciate his logic. And I'm too young and rebellious (me! ha!) and full of new ideas for him to consider my opinions as having any merit anyway.

But that doesn't mean either one of us is right or wrong. And besides, opinions aren't the only important part of life. He's also just a good guy who was a farmer, got drafted into the Korean War for awhile, then plugged away in a factory for 25 years to support his family. That's some dedication. In the past 15 years he's lost two wives, his mother, and a son to debilitating diseases, and watched his father slip irretrievably into oblivion. A few years ago his grandson became the father of an illegitimate child, something that he considers absolutely unthinkable, and barely forgivable. His whole world is being shaken, and he probably feels like he has very little control over anything.

So I suppose I can understand his trying stubbornly to hold onto anything he can.

And really, the whole thing of trying to out-talk me on the phone was pretty jolly hilarious. I just may start to like my grandpa.

fore :: aft